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May 26, 2013

Top Five Liquor-Label Slogans

Liquor’s been around for ages – literally! – and promoting the sale of it is something that the producers of it have been into for just as long, no doubt. Well, maybe less long… maybe the first producers of liquor were just down to get liquored up with friends. But since the invention of money, at least, distillers have been looking for ways to stand apart. Entice the buyer! Convince him or her that your product is the BEST way to get liquored up, amongst all available options!

The label on the bottle has ever been and still remains the single most important piece of that effort – in aggragate, perhaps television ads, word of mouth and actual quality are more important in driving sales, but when a person sees a product they are unfamiliar with, all they can judge it by is the label.

In short, the label defines the liquor.

I’m an English major, not an art major. So when I look at a label on a bottle of booze, I don’t see graphic design and brilliant images, I see the words. And in this, I am blessed. For the images are sometimes delightful, often colorful, and inevitably extant, but the words kind of make me laugh.

Kessler Whiskey

Smooth As Silk


I first heard of Kessler Blended Whiskey from my friend Dan. Dan referred to it as “Dr. K”, simultaneously a reference to Dr. J, who was somewhat prominent when Dan was in a touring band, and the eponymous Dr. Julius Kessler. The label says it is “Smooth As Silk” – I suspect the label lies. But I’M not going to lie to YOU: It might be EXACTLY as smooth as silk, I haven’t tasted it. Nor have I ever tried to eat silk. All I can say is that, in my plural years of selling liquor to cheap-booze-swilling rednecks in Mechanicsville, I have not once been asked “Where is the Kessler?” I’m not even sure I’ve ever actually SOLD a bottle, though I’m pretty sure I did restock it once, so someone must have.

Early Times

Early Times! Let's Get Drunk In the Morning!


The most amusing thing about Early Times is the name itself. Which is, you must admit, prominently displayed on the label. I mean, really? I often say “Breakfast of champions!” ironically when discussing rotgut booze, but they’re not even making a thing out of it. It’s just “Hey! We’re whiskey for the MORNING! You like drinking EARLY? We’re the motherfucking whiskey for YOU!” I can’t even argue with them; I have never crawled out of bed and thought “Shit. I need some whiskey. Vodka, wine, beer, that won’t do.” Maybe if I ever woke up with that thought, I would be forced to agree that Early Times is the best booze ever for drinking in the early times. Special props to Early Times for getting placement with the bourbons, rather than the blended whiskeys, in Virginia ABC stores, despite the fact that Early Times is not actually a bourbon.

Burnett's Vodka

Superior Smoothness!


Every time I see a bottle of Burnett’s, I think of my ex-girlfriend’s vagina. Because a.) I drank a lot of Burnett’s, post-facto, and b.) that shit had Superior Smoothness. Crass? Yes. Accurate? Yes. If this article does one thing for you, I hope that one thing is that every time you look at a bottle of vodka and question its smoothness, you contemplate the vagina of my ex-girlfriend. But I’ll be satisfied if you just think about vaginas in general. Sir Robert Burnett would probably be satisfied if you just bought his vodka. Incidentally, I googled him. As far as I can tell, he may once have been Lord Mayor of the town of London. I don’t think he was of the landed gentry (more on that later) and he might have never been a Sir at all, in any way, but he did, apparently, exist. According to the research of some other people who will probably be the first result you get when YOU google that shit, after you keep thinking about vaginas when you drink vodka, and wonder about the man who started it all.

ROYALTY!


The impetus for this article: Royalty. When I rock a bottle of Aristocrat vodka, I proudly proclaim that I am drinking like the landed gentry. When I drink a bottle of Fleishmann’s, I admit that there is liquor that even I think sucks. Aristocrat tastes like rubbing alcohol, but honestly? That’s fine. I’ve gotten used to that taste; I’ve been depressed and unemployed before, and that’s what Aristocrat is for. Fleishmann’s, though? It’s for nothing. Not for naught: You will get drunk if you drink it. But you could have payed a few dimes less, and AVOIDED having to make the Fleishmann’s-face every time you swallowed. The takeaway, though, is this: if your bottle of liquor says “royal” on it, you could do better. I look forward to comments telling me I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that no bottle of liquor with the word “Royal” as a descriptor on the label has ever been bought gleefully. We buy that shit because we have to, not because we want to.

Old Taylor

Of Topmost Class!


And now… my favorite! Only carried in a plastic half-gallon, never higher than the bottom shelf, Old Taylor proudly proclaims itself… “Of Topmost Class”! Obviously, that’s classy. It says so, itself. But it also reminds me of Indiana Jones. “We have bourbon of topmost class.” “What bourbon?” “TOPMOST bourbon.” You can’t question it. It is fothermucking topmost. Obviously, it’s a lie. Well, maybe not, I haven’t had it. I think maybe that needs to be a sequel to this post, actually: my reactions to the most amusingly labelled liquors. But until that happens, I am going to assume that this bottom-shelf, cheap-as-fuck bourbon is not, in fact, of topmost class. It’s just brazenly willing to bullshit you. And I find that adorable.

HONORABLE MENTION:

Nikolai

"Kisses But Never Tells...


I couldn’t include this in the top five because the words are not on the label. But if you work in the “liquor industry” and you come into contact with cases of Nikolai, you know that it “Kisses But Never Tells…” – that is awesome on so many levels. The first level? I don’t even know what that means. How am I supposed to interpret that? I have no idea. I don’t really care. It’s awesome. I assume that it is the only vodka to officially sponsor infidelity. I bet, if you go to a hotel that offers hourly rates AND has a mini-fridge, you will find that mini-fridge stocked with Nikolai vodka. Second level? It’s a slogan that is not on the label. WHICH WOULD BE TELLING. How awesome ARE these people? That awesome. Don’t tell.

— devlocke

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May 21, 2013

Setlist – 05/21/2013

Is "imbibement" a word? I have no idea. Well, I have a sneaking suspicion it wasn't, before I coined it, actually, but maybe not. I have no certainty, is what I'm saying. Drink up!

UPDATE: I kind of want to cry. The podcast saved all glitchy. And the show was so GOOD, dammit. Oh well. 

Song Artist Album Label Year
Go Home Little Girl Dash Rip Rock Ace of Clubs Mammoth 1989
Like Your Mama Said Dash Rip Rock Dash Rip Rock Mammoth 1986
Leave Me Alone (With My Bottle) Dash Rip Rock Ace of Clubs Mammoth 1989
Whisky, Mystics, and Men The Doors Perception Elektra 2006
What Have I Done To Deserve This? Pet Shop Boys Actually EMI 1987
I Want To Be There – When You Come Echo and the Bunnymen Evergreen London 1997
Drink You Sober Bitter:Sweet Drama Quango Fontana 2008
Slow Jam New Order Get Ready Reprise 2001
Dead Now Frightened Rabbit Pedestrian Verse Atlantic 2013
I.R.S. Guns n’ Roses Chinese Democracy Geffen 2008
Anything, Anything (I’ll Give You) Dramarama Live At the China Club Chameleon 1990
Sluttering (May 4th) Jawbreaker Dear You Geffen 1995
The Background Third Eye Blind Third Eye Blind Elektra 1997
You Can Bring Me Flowers Ray LaMontagne Till the Sun Turns Black RCA 2006
The Triffids Goodbye Little Boy The Black Swan Mushroom Records 1989
Books on the Bonfire (edit) The Bolshoi Away… Best of The Bolshoi Blanco y Negro Records 1999
The House That Dripped Blood The Mountain Goats Tallahassee 4AD 2002
I Work In A Saloon Arab Strap The Week Never Starts Round Here Matador 1996
Fifteen Minutes of Fame Sheep On Drugs Best of a Bad Bunch Invisible 2006
Wake Up, Time To Die Pop Will Eat Itself This Is the Day… This Is the Hour… This Is This! RCA 1989
Attitude Melvins Everybody Loves Sausages Ipecac 2013
Sexuality Billy Bragg Don’t Try This At Home Go! Discs 1991
Twydale’s Lament Half Man Half Biscuit Achtung Bono Probe Plus 2005
C.A.M.R.A. Man Half Man Half Biscuit Voyage to the Bottom of the Road Probe Plus 1997
Tour Jacket With Detachable Sleeves Half Man Half Biscuit Some Call It Godcore Probe Plus 1995
Die Young Ke$ha Warrior RCA 2012
Flashlight The Front Bottoms The Front Bottoms Bar/None 2011
Cut It Out The Go-Betweens Tallulah Blanco y Negro 1987
Hair of the Dog Green On Red Gas Food Lodging Enigma Records 1985

— devlocke

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May 14, 2013

Setlist – 05/14/2013

Still haven't made a legit logo? This is sad... I find this chick endearing, at this point, tho...

… and anything else, for that matter.

UPDATE: Fucking nailed it, dawg. Solid show. Lots of multi-song sets from the same artist, but not overbearingly so, and they were all pretty solid. I dug the show a lot and I was barely sentient for most of it. Click here to download it, like a boss. As per always, click here to check us out on Facebook. 

Song Artist Album Label Year
Black Liquor Dash Rip Rock Black Liquor Alternative Tentacles 2013
It’s the Beer Dash Rip Rock Country Girlfriend Bill Davis 2008
Natchez Trace Dash Rip Rock Country Girlfriend Bill Davis 2008
Meet Me At the River Dash Rip Rock Black Liquor Alternative Tentacles 2013
Hungover In Church Cadaver Dogs Pariah Social self-released 2008
The After Hours Cadaver Dogs Pariah Social self-released 2008
Dirty Jokes Cadaver Dogs Pariah Social self-released 2008
Front Porch Slobberbone Barrel Chested New West 1997
Billy Prichard Slobberbone Barrel Chested New West 1997
One Rung Slobberbone Barrel Chested New West 1997
Born Sandy Devotional The Triffids In the Pines Domino 1986
Tender Is the Night (The Long Fidelity) The Triffids Born Sandy Devotional Domino 1986
The Seabirds The Triffids Born Sandy Devotional Domino 1986
Uncorrected Personality Traits Robyn Hitchcock I Often Dream of Trains Rhino 1984
Mother of the Bride Billy Bragg Don’t Try This At Home Go! Discs 1991
Infinite Arms Band of Horses Infinite Arms Columbia 2010
Lover I Don’t Have To Love Bright Eyes LIFTED or The Story Is the Soil, Keep Your Ear To the Ground Saddle Creek Records 2002
Rose Parade Elliott Smith Either/Or Kill Rock Stars 1997
Late March, Death March Frightened Rabbit Pedestrian Verse Atlantic 2013
Evening Kitchen Band of Horses Infinite Arms Columbia 2010
Narcolepsy Third Eye Blind Third Eye Blind Elektra 1997
London Third Eye Blind Third Eye Blind Elektra 1997
God of Wine Third Eye Blind Third Eye Blind Elektra 1997
22 Taylor Swift 22 Big Machine Records 2013
Crazy Kids Ke$ha Warrior RCA 2012
Young, Wild, & Free (feat. Bruno Mars & Snoop Dogg) Wiz Khalifa Young, Wild, & Free Atlantic 2013
Eat That Up, It’s Good For You Two Door Cinema Club Tourist History Glass Note 2010
I’ll Be Alright Passion Pit Gossamer Columbia 2012
Finnegan’s Excessive Wake Tangerine Dream Finnegan’s Wake Cleopatra 2013

— devlocke

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April 30, 2013

Setlist – 04/30/2013

Rarrgh!

That song from Prairie Home Invasion never fails to make me smile. What's up, guys? Let's get drunk.

UPDATE: Go here to listen to the show. It was good. Also, check us out on Facebook by clicking here.

Song Artist Album Label Year
I Lie When I Drink Dale Watson El Rancho Azul Red House Records 2013
I Drink To Remember Dale Watson El Rancho Azul Red House Records 2013
I Hate To Drink Alone Dale Watson El Rancho Azul Red House Records 2013
Line Up Elastica Elastica DGC 1995
Bedhead Sleeper Smart Arista 1995
Feeling Peaky Sleeper The It Girl Arista 1996
True Drunk Love Dash Rip Rock Tiger Town Doctor Dream 1993
Liquor Store Dash Rip Rock Dash Rip Rock’s Gold Album Naked Language 1996
Pussywhipped Dash Rip Rock Dash Rip Rock’s Gold Album Naked Language 1996
Lucifer Rising Rob Zombie Venemous Rat Regeneration Vendor Universal 2013
We’re An American Band Rob Zombie Venemous Rat Regeneration Vendor Universal 2013
Granny Farming In the UK Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine A Sheltered Life
A Sheltered Life Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine A Sheltered Life
The Way I Tend To Be Frank Turner Tape Deck Heart Polydor 2013
Billericay Dickie Ian Durie New Boots and Panties!! Demon 1977
North Sea Bubble Billy Bragg Don’t Try This At Home Cooking Vinyl Records 1991
Anymore Frank Turner Tape Deck Heart Polydor 2013
Magazine Pigface Notes From Thee Underground Invisible Records 1994
Liberator Spear of Destiny The Best of Spear of Destiny Recall 1998

— devlocke

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April 29, 2013

Setlist – 04/23/2013

Tunes! Booze! Victory!

UPDATE: Christ. It took long enough, but the podcast is up. Click here to check it out. As per always, this is our Facebook. 

Song Artist Album Label Year
Better Times The Ones To Blame Better Times Thew Ones To Blame 2012
The Ones To Blame The Ones To Blame Better Times The Ones To Blame 2012
Alcoholics The Ones To Blame Better Times The Ones To Blame 2012
Hannah Ray LaMontagne Trouble 14th Floor Recordings 2004
The Great Salt Lake Band of Horses Everything All the Time Sub Pop 2006
Jagged Old 97′s Fight Songs Elektra 1999
What We Talk About Old 97′s Fight Songs Elektra 1999
Crash On the Barrelhead Old 97′s Fight Songs Elektra 1999
Busted Afternoon Old 97′s Fight Songs Elektra 1999
Drinkin’ Beer and Wastin’ Bullets Luke Bryan Doin’ My Thang Wrasse 2009
Touch Me Behind the Liquor Store Cadaver Dogs Pariah Social Cadaver Dogs 2008
A Beer and A Shot Juliana Hatfield & Frank Smith Sittin’ In A Tree… Ye Olde Records 2007
Like Your Mama Said Dash Rip Rock Dash Rip Rock Mammoth 1986
Leave Me Alone (To My Bottle) Dash Rip Rock Mammoth
Big Daddy Like Whiskey Dash Rip Rock Dash Rip Rock Mammoth 1986
Go Home Little Girl Dash Rip Rock Mammoth
Women and Work Car Bomb Inc. YouTube self-released
Between the Lines Mudd Helmet unreleased
Twelve Glass Soldiers Venus Throw Raised Right, Gone Wrong self-released 2012
Hello Hangover Jaya the Cat More Late Night Transmissions With… I Scream Records 2007
Twist the Cap Jaya the Cat First Beer of a New Day Suburban Records 2005
Six Cold Beers Jaya the Cat
Beer People Under the Stairs Beer Om 2010
Bring Out the Bottles RedFoo Bring Out the Bottles A&M 2012
I Want A Lover Pet Shop Boys Please EMI 1986
One More Chance Pet Shop Boys Actually EMI 1987
Eat Me, Drink Me, Love Me, Kill Me Pop Will Eat Itself The Looks Or the Lifestyle Cherry Red 1992
Beer Metal Sex Abigail
Putting Anthrax in the Beertap on Britpop Saturdays Magrudergrind Rehashed Six Weeks 2007
Shots LMFAO Essential R&B 2010 Universal 2010
Waving My Dick In the Wind Ween The Mollusk Elektra 1997
Hurricane Panic! At the Disco Vice & Virtues Fueled By Ramen Records 2011
Toss Me A Beer Man Tracy Lords Loves Noise

— devlocke

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April 16, 2013

Setlist – 04/16/2013

I forgot to write anything about tonight's show. I had no plan, just a bible for booze and two hours to fill. I'm quite happy with how it's turned out, to be honest.

UPDATE: Podcast has been uploaded. Download it from Radio4All by clicking here. Also, we have a Facebook. It's here

Song Artist Album Label Year
I’m So Tired The Beatles The White Album Capitol 1968
Alienation’s For the Rich They Might Be Giants They Might Be Giants Restless Records
Crazy When She Drinks Lee Rocker Black Cat Bone Alligator Records 2007
Take Me Down To the Infirmary Cracker Kerosene Hat Virgin 1993
3.0 Jimmy Catlett Waiting To Fall Off the Earth Glass Tube Records 2005
The Truth About Angels Jimmy Catlett The Big Beat Glass Tube Records 2007
I Think I’ll Take To Whiskey Jesse Colin Young The Soul of A City Boy One Way Records 1964
Whiskey Didn’t Kill the Pain Mary Coughlan Uncertain Pleasures Warner Bros. 1990
Well Did You Evah Robbie Williams & Jon Lovitz Swing When You’re Winning Chrysalis 2001
Sunday Morning Coming Down Crooked Fingers Reservoir Songs Touch & Go 2002
Kristofferson Tim McGraw Let It Go Curb 2007
Rye Whiskey Nick Cave B-Sides & Rarities Mute 2005
Whiskey In the Jar Pulp Different Class Island 1995
Martini Built For Two My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult Sexplosion! Rykodisc 1991
A Little Love Sam Page Breach self-released 2013
I Ain’t Gettin’ Any The Monks Bad Habits EMI 1979
Sunny Afternoon The Kinks Face To Face Sanctuary 1966
Bitters and Absolut The National The National Brassland 2001
Shore Leave Tom Waits Swordfishtrombones Island 1983
Jackie Scott Walker Scott 2 Fontana Distribution 1968
One For My Baby (And One More For the Road) Etta James The Second Time Around MCA 1961
Es gibt kein Bier auf Hawaii Paul Kuhn Die Farbe der Liebe Bear Family Records 1993
London Drunk Swingin’ Utters Juvenile Product of the Working Class Fat Wreck Chords 1996
Between the Lines Mudd Helmet unreleased unreleased
Anytime Anyplace Anywhere Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine You Fat Bastard: The Anthology EMI 2007
Brother My Cup Is Empty Nick Cave Henry’s Dream Mute 1992
UFOs, Big Rigs, and BBQ Mojo Nixon Gadzooks: The Homemade Bootleg Unity 1997
Drink Till We’re Gone Lucero Lucero Madjack Records 2001
Half-Price Drinks Mick Farren Vampires Stole My Lunch Money Mischief 1978
Give Me Wine or Money The Mekons Natural Quarterstick 2007
The Power of Positive Drinking Lou Reed Growing Up In Public Buddha Records 1980

— devlocke

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Setlist – 04/09/2013

Tommy from Dog Germs filled in for me, so I could go to see Frightened Rabbit in North Carolina.

His setlist is here.

— devlocke

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April 2, 2013

Setlist – 04/02/2013

We are KILLIN' IT tonight. All top-forty bubblegum awfulness… with booze! Adhering simultaneously to our very high AND very low standards, we are proving once again that I'll play anything once. It's a dance-party up in here. A drunk dance-party. Thanks for listening/sorry. :)

UPDATE: And for once, we got a podcast. It took forever to save, but fuck it, I'm not complaining at this point. Download it from Radio4All by clicking here – you won't be sorry! Best drunk workout mix ever, probably. Not that I work out. So you'll have to be the judge of that. As per ever and always, click here to check out our Facebook page. 

Song Artist Album Label Year
Scream & Shout Wil.i.am & Britney Spears Scream & Shout Interscope 2012
Blow Me (One Last Kiss) P!nk Blow Me (One Last Kiss) Sony 2012
Tonight I’m Getting Over You Carly Rae Jepsen Kiss Interscope 2012
Troublemaker Olly Murs Right Place Right Time Sony 2012
The Edge of Glory Lady Gaga Born This Way Polydor 2011
Wild Ones Flo Rida ft. Sia Wild Ones Atlantic 2012
I Cry Flo Rida Wild Ones Atlantic 2012
Right Round Flo Rida ft. Ke$ha Right Round Atlantic 2009
Party Rock Anthem LMFAO Sorry for Party Rocking Interscope 2011
Die Young Ke$ha Warrior RCA 2012
Give Me Everything Pitbull Planet Pit J Records 2011
In da Club 50 Cent Get Rich or Die Tryin’ Interscope 2012
Turn Up the Music Chris Brown Turn Up the Music RCA 2012
Suit & Tie (ft. Jay-Z) Justin Timberlake The 20/20 Experience RCA 2013
Empire State of Mind ft. Alicia Keys Jay-Z Empire State of Mind Roc Nation 2009
DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love Usher Versus LaFace 2010
Glad You Came The Wanted The Wanted Universal 2010
As Your Friend (Radio Edit) Afrojack ft. Chris Brown As Your Friend Island 2013
Starships Nicki Minaj Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded Cash Money 2012
Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) Beyonce Single Ladies Columbia 2009
Moves Like Jagger Maroon 5 Hands All Over Polydor 2010
Yeah! Usher Confessions LaFace 2004
Young Wild and Free Snoop Dogg & Wiz Khalifa Mac + Devin Go To High School (Music From and Inspired By the Movie) Atlantic 2011
Ride Wit Me Nelly Country Grammar Island 2000
Start Wearing Purple Gogol Bordello Gypsy Punks SideOneDummy 2005
Blame It Jamie Foxx Intuition J Records 2008
Stronger Kanye West Graduation Roc-A-Fella 2007

— devlocke

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March 19, 2013

Setlist – 03/19/2013

Started the show out with an attempt to encapsulate Mother's Milk's breadth and depth of alcoholic expression in 40 minutes. Failed, but had fun trying. Then we started this week's liveness! Huzzah. Unfortunately, Audition crapped out on me and my podcast stopped recording like thirty seconds in. So no podcast this week. :(

Song Artist Album Label Year
Spinning Your Wheels Horsehead Sympathetic Vibrations Emerald City Sounds 2013
A Good Night For My Drinking Supersuckers Motherfuckers Be Trippin’ Mid-Fi Recordings 2005
Shut Up and Get On the Plane The Drive-By Truckers Southern Rock Opera Lost Highway 2001
The Power of Positive Drinking Lou Reed Growing Up In Public Buddha Records 1980
This Year The Mountain Goats The Sunset Tree 4AD 2005
No Children The Mountain Goats Tallahassee 4AD 2002
Vagabond Holes The Triffids Calenture Island 1987
I Need Some Fine Wine, and You, You Need To Be Nicer The Cardigans Super Extra Gravity UMVD 2005
I Drink Charles Aznavour You and Me EMI 1995
God Loves A Drunk Richard Thompson Rumor and Sigh Capitol 1991
Goodnight, Friday Night Brady Earnhart Manalapan City Salvage Records 2003
The Decemberists Live at The High Dive on 2004-09-22 The Decemberists Archive.org

— devlocke

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March 14, 2013

Setlist 03/12/2013

IT'S HERSCHEL STRATEGO

Herschel Stratego is joining us tonight, for another Fund Drive Extravaganza! Say 'cheers' and drink up!

UPDATE: Hey, want to join the group "PLEASE let herschel Stratego open for TMBG's opener…"? Click here to check it out!

DOUBLE-UPDATE: Finally got the podcast up – click here to download it. Also, we have a Facebook page. Just sayin'. Click here to visit that. 

Song Artist Album Label Year
A Little Love Sam Page Breach self-released 2013
Emptiest Arms In the World Horsehead Sympathetic Vibrations Emerald City Sounds 2013
Wasted Wine Russell Lacy Charlestown self-released 2012
Must Have Been the Shine Barrelhouse Barrelhouse self-released 2013
HERSCHEL STRATEGO
Last Night Sabrina Stone My College Degree and Me self-released 2012
Girlfriend Lydia Ooghe & Lux Vacancy Love That Glow self-released 2011
HERSCHEL STRATEGO
Whiskey, Mend My Broken Heart Paulo Franco By the Light of A Paper Moon self-released 2012
Waving My Dick in the Wind Ween The Mollusk Elektra 1997
The Beer Kimya Dawson My Cute Fiend Sweet Princess Important Records 2004
HERSCHEL STRATEGO
Shots (feat. Lil’ Jon) LMFAO Essential R&B 2010 Universal 2010
Free Drinks Ringo Starr Choose Love Koch Records 2005
HERSCHEL STRATEGO
Whiskey Weed Girls and Speed Unholy Thoughts The Attic self-released 2013

— devlocke

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